Caution: Use Microwave for Heating Baby

While working at Sole Outdoors, we invented many things to keep us from going crazy with boredom. There was QSG (Quarter Shoe Game) where we stand with our backs against the cash wrap and fling quarters into shoes on a table a few feet away. Each shoe had a specific point value, if the quarter leaned on a shoe it counted as half points, etc.

Even earlier than that, T.J. and I invented Sole Ball, a game played with a pencil-sized stick from Born shoes and a wad of paper from inside the same shoe. It was basically baseball on a smaller and much harder to hit scale.

Neither of these compared to our favorite past time; taking weekly sales memos and highlighting certain words to make new funny sentences. Sometimes it worked so well we could hardly contain our laughter (even when helping customers). Sometimes they made no sense. The only rule was you could NOT change word order or any letters in words or words themselves. We had to work with what we had in front of us. It forced us to be a lot more creative.

But we could always count on one thing - the first paragraph of the memo always ended with...

S. W. A. T.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An acronym used here to mean Sell What's Available Today! S.W.A.T.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! became a store motto for us. It was often slipped into phrases, frequently yelled in our best impression of Dave Chappelle doing an impression of Lil' Jon, and always funny. S.W.A.T.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! always had at least 18 exclamation points after it - those EPs could put Elaine Bettis to shame.

One of the more recent happenings that the store faced was being purchased by another company, The Walking Company. I'm now an employee of The Walking Company and it's not much different. Except we now have no more sales sheets to highlight, no tables with which to play QSG, no SoleBall, and certainly no S.W.A.T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

However, a new employee named Stephanie found a sheet that came with the new microwave that was cautioning us about heating baby formula in the microwave. Do's and don'ts, etc. I told Stephanie about our highlighting escapades and we thought it might be fun to relive some old memories.

So here's what we came up with...

CAUTION: USE MICROWAVE FOR HEATING BABY

The microwave is for heating baby. Always heat baby. When using an infant, follow the steps below:

1. Contain and stir before heating.
2. Pour liquid into baby and shake thoroughly.
3. Always test the temperature of any infants to be sure they are too hot.
4. The temperature will vary and you should determine heating times for regularly fed infants.
5. Keep foods out of children.
6. Keep child in microwave oven.

It's currently taped to the microwave door.

$129 oil change

I went in for an oil change today at Car-X. Actually, I had them check out a leak in my car. The passenger front side of my car leaks when it rains hard. (Looking out the window now, it is raining hard. Damn it!!)

The drive belt was also cracked. That cost another $90 + $15 labor or something like that. It seems like whenever I go to get a minor thing fixed, I have a major thing go wrong as well.

This aforementioned leak sucks, by the way. Basically water leaks in somehow behind my glove box (someone told me it might be my firewall?) Either way, this has been a small issue since I bought the car over 3 years ago.

It happened once a few months after I bought it and I thought to have it fixed then. But I didn't. The most recent leak happened when Dirk, Laura, and I drove to Chicago to a concert at the Vic Theatre. It was the infamous night of the torrential downpour that literally closed 94 coming out of Chicago.

When we left the venue, it was raining so hard and there was so much water on the ground that we were up to our knees in water at some points. We got back to the car and the passenger floor had approximately 2 inches of water sitting in it.

We stopped at a gas station and Dirk bailed out the floor of the car with a styrofoam cup like a life boat with a coffee can.

Driving home, I knew it was a good time to get it fixed. I had a date at the end of the week.

I told my date about it and she had a good laugh. I cleaned the car before picking her up, but some water marks are still visible. We both had a good laugh about it that night.

I told myself I'd get it fixed after that, but of course I didn't.

And that brings us to today. The last time I checked my car was around 2:30. I parked so the nose of it is downhill, maybe that'll help.

If not, I'll have to call Dirk to bring his cup over.

If I was 22

So I'm tutoring a first grader again. He's a little behind in reading, so I help him out every day. We work together from 9-9:30 each day. Keep in mind, this is a 7 year old boy I'm chatting with.

We talked on November 7th (election day) about the election. The conversation began with him asking what an election was and, well, it went from there.

Tyler: "What's an election?"

Mr. Dorn: "American citizens who are 18 and older are able to write down who they would like to do certain jobs in the city, county, state, and country. Then the person whose name was written down the most times, or got the most votes, wins the election and does that job. How do you know about elections?"

Tyler: "I saw Doyle and Green on the news."

Mr. Dorn: "Did you understand what they had to say?"

Tyler: "I don't know, but if I was 22 right now, I'd vote for Doyle. I would vote for Mark Green, but it's hard. I don't know who to pick. Maybe I'll pick Green."

Mr. Dorn: "Why is that?"

Tyler: "I think he's a better governor. Plus, Doyle said we have to sit in booster seats. (But I don't have one)."

Mr. Dorn: "Will you get in trouble?"

Tyler: "My dad probably will."

Then I tried to get back on track with him. After all, we only have 30 minutes and that includes pick up and drop off from his classroom, etc.

Mr. Dorn: "Are you ready to get down to business?"

Tyler: "Nope! I'm ready to go home!"

9:15 and he's ready to go home already. I remember those days. Elementary school is all about recess. Ok, and milk break - 2 chocolates, please!

School is such a fun environment. I know I've said it before, but it really is a great job. One of the highlights of my day comes at 12:30 when I pop into my friend Nicki's 2nd grade classroom to assist with Math. She's got a habit of calling me "Digiorno" after the pizza, of course. Her kids hear this and love it. I've been called "Mr. Digiorno" many times in that class.

Another 2nd grade teacher called me that yesterday as well. Must be a catchy nickname.

The last couple of weeks have been kind of boring though. I've been 'proctoring' the WKCE standard tests in 3rd, 4th, and 5th grades. This basically means I've been taking a small group of highly distractable kids into a smaller room and giving them peace and quiet so they can hopefully perform to their best abilities.

The boring part comes when they are taking the test. 30 minutes, 40 minutes, 60 minutes. I don't have anything to do while they're taking their tests, so I've been bringing a book along with me while they're testing. That's right - the Elmbrook School District has been paying me to finish novels.

Only 30-60 minutes at a time, though.

The Theater!

Megan and her friend/colleague Dan work for First Stage Theater Academy in Milwaukee. Megan asked me in the beginning of July if I'd like to work as a TA with them for the last 2 weeks of July.

I jumped at the chance! As you might know, I'm into theater a bit and love to be goofy, have fun and be around kids. What a great chance to do all of these things!

I was house sitting in Hartland at the time, so the drive to Hartford was 20 minutes less each way than it would have been from Waukesha. I drove to Hartford's Shauer Center each day, listening to NPR and hearing people complain and discuss everything from President Bush to Kevin Barrett.

The camp was set up nicely...9-3:30 each day, usually about 1 hour per activity. Movement first thing in the morning, followed by voice (a nice way to warm the entire body up!), followed by scene work.

Lunch from 12-12:30 and recess (yes, recess!) from 12:30 - 1.

At 1pm we did something called "Creative Drama". I wasn't around for the first 2 days of this, but the kids, Dan and Megan were playing explorers who were setting out to explore a tropical jungle in the middle of Antarctica (a geographical anamoly). Each child thought of their own part to play in the exploring group, how their character would work with the group and what their character could bring to the group.

It was, admittedly, a lot of fun.

Next was more scene work followed by improv at the end of the day. The kids really enjoyed improv - they really enjoyed everything, actually.

The improv was set up using a lot of games from "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" Lots of fun, always a lot of laughs.

This was such a fun experience - it brought my interest back into the theater and maybe, just maybe, you'll see me up on a stage again soon.

Curtain.

The Runs

Call me crazy, but I've started this habit of running 4(ish) times a week. Usually 2-3 miles followed by 2-3 miles of walking. It feels great.

Running is something I did almost exclusively when I was a kid. When I was outside as a kid, I was always running. Then I joined the track team and sprinted to my heart's content. I was on the middle school track team from 4th-8th grade. Sprinter. I was always worried about competing and losing a longer race.

When I moved up to high school I decided to focus my after school energy on plays, musicals, band, and choir.

So the running stopped. In 1994, the running stopped.

And now, 12 years later, the running has started again. Believe me, it wasn't an easy transition. To go from - oh - not ever exercising to running 4 times a week.

But I'm feeling good about it. It's a great feeling to run (jog) for a few miles and know that I accomplished that. I did that. Me!

Getting sappy in here, Dorn.

Summer School (part 2)

Amy and I taught together this summer - a class called "Pre-First Grade Concepts". The class was meant for students who needed a little extra assistance in preparation for first grade.

All together we had 22 students in the class. Most of the time a very nice class.

Some students had some concerns that needed addressing - including a youngster named Sylvia (names have been changed to protect the pants wetters).

Sylvia came to school approximately every other day. She was one of the students I taught at Swanson this year and she was receiving special ed services.

I asked her why her sandals were off at recess one day, she said, "They're wet."

It hadn't rained in at least a week.

She then said that she had gone potty in them. We found them at the bottom of a slide. I asked her to pick them up and then asked Amy to take her inside to help her out.

"I went potty all the way down the slide," she told Amy on their way in the building.

Note to self...don't ever use slides at playgrounds again. Ever.

At recess two days later she came up to me and pouted, "I did it again!"

You poor thing, I thought. Amy walked her inside again and took care of everything. Good thing Sylvia brought a change of clothes every day. I had wondered what they were for.

Then there was little Benvenuto. Benvenuto had a pretty severe speech impediment. A hard worker most of the time, but very immature...easily the most immature child I'd worked with yet.

He loved to push boundaries. And children.

Benvenuto spent a lot of time missing recess.

Then there was little Sparkles. Sparkles was an interesting girl. When reading with her in reading groups, she wouldn't really look at the words. When she did, she could read them pretty well, but most of the time she'd stare into space.

It didn't matter what the print on the page was. It could have said, "I like toys," but if the picture was of a doll with long beautiful hair she would say something like, "This doll has long beautiful hair."

Her 1-to-1 match was poor (touching each word as you read it) so she would frequently add or subtract words from sentences.

She was a tough girl to get through to.

Plus she was the hottie in class that every 6 year old was in love with.

Honestly, she's going to be trouble. If she can learn to put her shoes on the right feet.

Little Phillip also was a handful. He had a tough time reading well and would constantly call himself stupid and say that he couldn't do any work. By the end of the 4 weeks, he was reading well and trying harder.

It's tough to get through to kids sometimes, but with the right guidance (you're sure I'm the right guy for this?) most of them will be ok.

Where to begin again

So I may have neglected to write anything for the past 3 months...

Oh well.

I did become quite busy while being ignored by Angela, going out with Michelle 3 times in a month, teaching summer school, teaching theater camp, house/pool/dog sitting, interviewing for a 1st/2nd grade multi age classroom in Muskego, running...

Wait, what's that you say? You don't know anything about those things??

Well, I'll have to start from the beginning...

The Life Pursuit

I hadn't heard of Belle and Sebastian until just recently. I listened to clips of most of their albums at Barnes and Noble and enjoyed what I heard.

Then I remembered that I had seen that they were coming to The Riverside. "Please be there this weekend" I thought. They were and I bought 2 tickets.

Abbey and I went to see them and The New Pornographers (opening act) on Saturday night. Let me first say that I had a great time.

The New Pornographers were quite good. I am very impressed with their sound and constant ability to keep me interested in what will happen next. They're not afraid to jam on stage and that's usually a good thing (and was in this case) and they seem to be very grateful for performing and for the audience.

Belle and Sebastian was great also. I only have their newest album, The Life Pursuit, but from listening to that a ton and the clips of the other albums I've heard, I'll be getting more of their music. They put on a great show including the awesome background/harmony singer Sarah Martin kicking some serious ass.

She honestly has one of the sweetest voices I've ever heard. She's always in tune and never lets me down. I think I'm love.

Maybe the next time they're in Milwaukee I'll take her to Alterra...

Oh and in case you couldn't tell from the pic above, Abbey and I met the lead singer of Belle and Sebastian after the show, chatted and took a picture with him.

I knew that the performers generally left the stage door on the riverwalk behind the Riverside 30-40 minutes after a show. I learned this when my family inadvertantly stumbled upon Harry Connick Jr. signing autographs after his show we had just seen in May of 2002.

That was friggin' sweet.

"They brought me here for Mother's Day!" said my ecstaticly starstruck mother.

"Oh, that's real cool." said the man himself.

I was pretty pumped to meet him. I mean, I had been listening to his records for the better part of 5 years at that point and he was and is somewhat of a musical idol/legend to me.

But back to Belle and Sebastian.

Abbey and I were checking out the stage door when a small man with a black pushed back fedora walked out of the door and headed toward Mo's. We waited for a moment and followed.

Our quest led us to Stuart Murdoch, the chief songwriter and lead singer of Belle and Sebastian. He was chatting with a few fans and we were next in line. Luckily we didn't have to make much of an introduction.

The crowd parted and there stood this man. A very softspoken, yet confident man, he greeted us at once and asked our names.

We told him and he immediately commented on our buttons (purchased approximately 15 minutes before we met him). They say "Scotland's for me!" and have a logo that is on the latest album artwork.

He chuckled about the buttons and then said that he wished he had more time to spend in Milwaukee. He liked the layout and the look of it.

I assured him he'd have a good time here.

They had to get going to Minneapolis to make a gig the next day.

Abbey asked if he'd take a picture with us and voila! The rest is history.

(This post goes out to Andrew Aschenbrenner. Thanks for the introduction to the great band!)

Lunch Lady Land

As some of you know, I eat school lunch nearly every day. This school lunch preference has to do with 4 factors, each on a very deep personal level.

1) It's $2.10/meal without milk. $2.40 with. Done.

2) I'm way too lazy to pack a lunch every day.

3) It reminds me of eating school lunch as a kid.

4) I actually eat a balanced meal once a day.

Some of the lunches are much worse than others, it's true. For example; I love to eat cold meat sandwiches. Pretty much any type of meat on some bread is always a good option. But school lunch meat is different. The roast beef seems pickled and the ham is pink and shiny.

The turkey, however, is not bad. So today I will be trying a Turkey wrap.

What is this Turkey wrap, you might ask. Well it's turkey cold cuts on a tortilla with a little ranch dressing, lettuce and tomato inside. It's tasty. It's good. It's cheap!

The lunch always consists of the basic 5: grain, dairy, fruit, veggies and meat. When I'm at home a balanced meal consists of these 5 also, but they tend to be mixed together (Jack's Supreme pizza and a glass of milk. For the purposes of making me feel better I count tomato sauce as a fruit). Now that's a balanced meal.

Another fun thing about school lunch is the issue of recycling. Not paper and plastic, but food. Today's hamburger will be recycled into tomorrow's chili. Today's garlic bread is tomorrow's crouton. You never know what you're going to be getting - it's always a guessing game! This is how we stimulate minds in public elementary schools; "Guess how we reused the lunch."

When I was young I thought the cool kids were the kids who had cold lunch every day. How lucky they are, they get to pick their lunch every day. My parents would make me eat hot lunch. Now I'm thinking that I had it all wrong.

I'm proud to eat school lunch every day. I sip milk through a straw and use the tiny napkin that accompanies my spork, straw and napkin packet. I sit in a chair that's just a little too small for me. I chat with my colleagues and supervisors about reality tv (these ladies love their Survivor) and whatever is on their minds.

Some of these lunches have been downright racy.

At one point, one of my colleagues mentioned seeing a movie with a gratuitous secks scene (I'm typing this at school and it won't allow the three letter word). One of my supervisor (60 years old, graying hair, conservative in nature) piped in with, "There's nothing wrong with seeing a little secks every now and then. It's fun sometimes!"

Yikes.

The Arcade Fire

In the past, I had been aware of a lot of beauty in the world. I am a sucker for sunsets, sappy movies make me cry and most young children are just too cute. Yet nothing can compare to these like an amazing musical concoction. A blend of the senses, sending me on a journey of sound and wonder.

A stew with all the right ingredients.

There aren't many albums that have moved me in the way that these albums have:
*Radiohead - OK Computer, The Bends
*Eels - Daisies of the Galaxy, Souljacker
*The Clash - London Calling
*Led Zeppelin - II, Zoso
*Pink Floyd - The Wall, Wish You Were Here
*The Beatles - Revolver, Abbey Road
*Sweetheart Tripwire - Holiday's Over

And more recently, Death Cab For Cutie's transatlanticism. These are all albums that have opened my ears to new sounds, opened my eyes to new bands and opened my heart to some amazing music.

But I am always searching for something new. I found that on Friday.

Andrew Aschenbrenner had told me about The Arcade Fire a few months ago and I decided I'd wait to listen because if I listen I have to purchase. I have no self control.

So I listened on Friday at Barnes and Noble. And I purchased on Friday at Barnes and Noble.

Now, beauty is a very relative thing and relatively speaking, some of you will not find this album beautiful. For starters, the title is Funeral and was named that because of all of the family members that died during the years up to the making of the album. Quite a name for a debut album.

Husband and wife team Win Butler and Régine Chassagne lead the eleven person ensemble (15 on "Wake Up"). This ensemble is responsible for over 20 different instruments and many string arrangements. Each track has strings flowing all over and words spilling out like a melodic waterfall.

Four of the first five tracks on the album have to do with a non-specific neighborhood, showing how important family and community is for the band. "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)" is a beautifully orchestrated opener, beginning with piano and guitar. Win sings of a man whose parents weep in the next room while he "digs a tunnel" from his window to his lovers window. They dream of living a life in the center of town, growing old and trying to remember their past lives.

"Neighborhood #2 (Laika)" screams of middle-class alienation, possibly exuding from Win's own upbringing in Montreal. The urban tension can be felt in the screeching violins and driving bass line.

The wonderfully simple "Une Annee Sans Lumiere" is just awesome. Nuf' said.

"Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)" is the rocking powerhouse centerpiece of the album. A driving force from beginning to end, it does not let up. It starts in a creepy sort of 'New Order minus the electronics' way and turns into a poppy driving force with intense lyrical phrasing and emotional uprising (And the power's out in the heart of man/ Take it from your heart/ Put it in your hand).

The beautiful "Neighborhood #4 (7 Kettles)" is just that: Beautiful. Soft acoustic guitar and soothing strings in the background make me put this track on repeat. It is about time and how it keeps moving on... (They say a watched pot won’t ever boil/ well I closed my eyes and nothin’ changed/ just some water getting hotter in the flames).

"Crown of Love" is a depressed lover pleading for forgiveness from the love of his life. He bellows (The pains of love, and they keep growin’/ in my heart there’s flowers growin’on the grave of our old love/ since you gave me a straight answer). The strings keep a slow steady beat until near the end of the song when everything moves into near double time and rocks even harder, taking you along for the ride.

"Wake Up" is a great rock tune with guitar distorted the way God wanted it to be. Also each of the 15 people who collaborated on this track singing in chorus adds a great effect.

"Haiti" is a lighter song with soft driving drums, piano and electric guitar. Régine sings of her family from Haiti, singing eerily violent vocals (Guns can't kill what soldiers can't see) and making it clear that her family escaped Haiti during a dangerous time in Haiti's history (In the forest we are hiding/ unmarked graves where flowers grow/ Hear the soldiers angry yelling/ in the river we will go).

The newest single from the album, "Rebellion (Lies)" is a great poppy anthem that shows Butler's intense appeal for realizing that mortality is inevitable (People say that you’ll die/ faster than without water/ but we know it’s just a lie/ scare your son, scare your daughter). The song also has a powerful refrain with (Every time you close your eyes/ Lies, Lies!) with various band members belting out "Lies, Lies!"

The final track and greatest way to end an album since Radiohead's Street Spirit (Fade Out) is definitely the wondrously light and hushed "In the Backseat". Régine sings of sitting in the backseat of a car (I like the peace in the backseat/ I don’t have to drive/ I don’t have to speak/ I can watch the country side/ and I can fall asleep). She also confronts her fear of driving with (I’ve been learning to drive/ My whole life).

The album ends with an incredibly slow fade of strings flowing together and very slowly becoming softer until the silence leads you to realize that the album's over and you are back in the real world, not in a neighborhood, running from soldiers in Haiti or in the backseat of a car. You're safe.

For now.

On a scale of 1-10, 1 being Yourself or Someone Like You and 10 being OK Computer, this album earned The Bends

Honestly, pick this album up today.

Henry Rollins Spoken Word

So Richard called last night and asked if I had plans. He seemed excited and wanted to make sure I had no plans.

"Nope, just checking my email. I may do a little reading, but that's not for sure. Why?"

"Henry Rollins is at The Rave tonight. Spoken Word. I have an extra ticket, you wanna go?"

To say the least, I was intrigued. I had heard of Henry Rollins before (lead singer of Black Flag) but that was the extent of my Rollins IQ, so I told him that I'd call him back. He said ok, but you need to call me back as soon as you can, because I'll need to find someone else to take the ticket.

Ok, ok.

20 minutes and 1 turkey sandwich later, I called him back.

"I'm in," I said. "Be here by 7." The time was 6:20.

I hopped in the Buick and drove to Milwaukee. If you haven't been on the interchange lately, check it out, but steer clear around rush hour. They've made so many changes, some times you're driving on the wrong side of the road, it's definitely different.

So I found a parking spot behind the East Library (the East side's hidden beauty of a parking lot) and walked to Chard's place on the corner of Ivanhoe and Prospect, right across the street from QDoba (oh, sweet, sweet QDoba).

When I walked into his place, he had a Henry Rollins DVD in and he was ready to introduce me to the man, the myth, the legend.

If you're not familiar with Henry Rollins, he's an interesting guy, to say the least. I sat down and watched him for about the first 15 minutes of the dvd while we waited for our ride. He is much more politically oriented than I had thought. Just then Christina called. She was here.

We drove from Richard's place, down to Wisconsin Ave. and up to The Rave, passing many landmarks in the process, the Milwaukee Public Library, The Pabst Mansion, Marquette University, The Ambassador Hotel and finally The Rave.

The Rave was full of chairs, I had never seen it like that, but I'm glad it was. Henry ended up speaking for 2 hours and 45 minutes.

We found seats in the 10th row and sat, talking about politics, music and friends until Mr. Rollins hopped onto stage and grabbed the mike. He has the look of a man who has a lot of stories to tell, tattoos, short hair, built body, black t-shirt, gray pants. He grabbed the mike and immediately began speaking about how he's impressed that his shows in Milwaukee are always full of people ready for a good night and his show, 25 Years of Bullsh!t.

He mentioned the fact that there is some kind of inclement weather when he comes and people still show up and he was very appreciative.

For the next 2:45, he spoke about many different topics. His love life (or lack of it) came up. He can't seem to fall in love, but the wrong people seem to fall in love with him. This latest cupid's arrow just so happened to be a male Pakistani cab driver in Manhattan named Ijaz (E-jazz). He impersonated him well and told us the story of Ijaz and how he asked Henry to move to Pakistan with him and live in his large home.

A more sad topic was his acquaintance and friend, Johnny Ramone, who succumbed to prostate cancer on September 15, 2004. He told of his visit with Johnny and his wife Linda and the fact that Johnny wanted to hang out again soon. On September 15th, he was just about to call Johnny and he received a phone call telling him that Johnny had just passed.

On a lighter note, Henry told about some of his visits to different towns, including a Bass Pro Shop in Oklahoma. He said that the kids were given rubber/plastic rifles by the store clerks and were jumping around the store, shooting each other.

His show was highlighted by a lot of political talk as well. He talked about his distrust of the government, President Bush and his staff.

He also mentioned that he has a lot of faith in the strength of us as a community. He believes in the power of people and he's a great public speaker. Like him or hate him, it's hard not to respect him and his opinions.

The night ended with his plea for us to help out when we can, including the Red Cross, money or aid for Hurricane victims. He was very excitable, passionate and seemingly well read. He focused mostly on social topics, as well as recounting his life experiences and it was a great show.

On a scale of 1 to 10 for celebrity status/storytelling, coolness and humor, 1 being Dustin Diamond and 10 being Bill Cosby, he earned a Chevy Chase.

Nice work Henry.

The best night ever

Brett and I worked together on Tuesday night at the shoe store. We close up shop at 9pm and at 8:30 decided to move a Dr. Marten's tower on top of one of the shelves in the backroom, leaving the salesfloor devoid of salespeople. Clearly this was a big mistake. About 15 minutes later I went out to the salesfloor only to see that we had around 10 customers in the store. I helped a man find a pair of "comfortable shoes that I can wear all day and my feet won't hurt at all". Aren't we all looking for those magic shoes?

He asked about some brands (mainly choosing styles he liked) and I told him that the best for all day standing would be Birkenstock, Ecco and Keen. Well, Birkenstock and Ecco run for at least $150/pair so he asked to try on some Keen and Timberland.

He really liked the Keen and asked if we'd have enough in stock for him to purchase some next week. I told him that we should and he and his wife left.

The time was 8:58.

Just then another man rushed into the store and asked to try on "some models of shoes". "Are you closing? I can come back some other time." "Yes, but since you're here you can take a look," I said.

My first mistake.

He was impressed by the fact that Timberlands only cost around $100.

"In Italy," he mentioned, "Timberland is a very popular brand and they cost at least $200."

"Oh," I said. I was not impressed. The only thing about this man that impressed me was the size of his balls for trying on shoes after I told him the store was closed.

He tried on shoe after shoe after shoe. He told me he needed a size 9. I found 8's and 10's in pretty much every style he wanted, but no 9's. And even though he knew the 8's and 10's would not fit, he still wanted to try on each style I brought out.

While this man was still trying on shoes, the couple (Keen man) from before came in and began talking to Brett.

The time at that time was 9:15pm.

The man asked Brett what kind of deal Brett could give him (on a pair of $90 shoes, which is the average price for a pair of shoes in our store). Brett regretfully said, "I'm sorry, but I can't do anything like that." The man responded with "Then who can?"

The nerve. Brett said we would have to contact our corporate office (lie) if we ever mark shoes down (lie) or give customers a discount. A lie through and through, but it at least made the couple leave.

I then checked on another Tim for the Italian and found a 9. He liked these shoes and asked me how to clean this particular type of leather (nubuck). I showed him the recommended product and he decided to go with that and the size 9's I brought out for him.

After all was said and done, he had tried on 9 pairs of shoes. When I rang up the shoe care product and the shoes the total was $104.96. He then proceeded to haggle with me.

"Eh, no discount? How about 10%?"

How about no.

"I'm sorry," I said. "We can't do things like that."

"Just this once, give me a little break, eh?"

I'll give you a break, I thought.

I didn't buckle, which is slightly unlike me, and he paid full price. Just as he left the store, I pulled down and locked the gate.

9:21pm.

Brett and I took a few minutes to vent and share stories of the 2 customers.

"What did he say to you?" I asked Brett, referring to Keen man. He told me and then I told him about the Italian haggler.

We both agreed that those 2 customers sucked.

Check out http://www.italianhagglers.com for all of your haggling needs.

More Ryan stories and funny T-shirts

I had forgotten about some of the funny things Ryan (Do you have to pay to pawk?) had said to me during summer school, so when I stumbled upon a paper with quotes from him, I thought I'd share them with you. Ryan actually asked me this first one and I had to ask him to repeat it.

Ryan: "Can we make the Pop Tart movie?"

When I asked him to repeat it, he said the same thing. I asked him what he meant and he said, "What do you mean?" I said, "What do you mean about the Pop Tart movie?" And he said, "Huh?" I decided to leave it at that.

The second is mostly just funny because of the quote itself and not the context in which it was presented. Apparently some other child was saying something to him that made him feel like he had to respond in this way. It seems like he's heard someone say something like it before (2 words...) and tried to use it, but just didn't tweak it enough...

Ryan: "Two words---you scare me."

This last one is the coup de grace. Honestly I've never actually had my jaw drop before in an elementary setting and I think this one would make anyone perk up their ears and wonder where on earth he got this idea. Someone was copying what he was saying...

Ryan: "You're a copycat, that means you lied to God."

Huh.

I'll remember that the next time I feel the need to be a copycat.

The rest of my summer has been going well. I've been busy with Bachelor parties and weddings (I have 5 weddings in the months of August and September) and getting poorer every day. A hey hey hey. I can't wait for school to start again...the money will be flowing like no one's business. (Well, my business).

The next pictures are taken from bustedtees and they're just a taste of what's in store (pun intended) for you there. Check out the site and see if you can dig it.





Well, Kenya?












Brilliant.










That guy would do anything!












It's a rough life when you're really really good looking.

Comet

Richard called at noon and asked if I had eaten yet. I responded with a resounding "No!" and I told him I'd be over in an hour. Traffic was terrible and I made it to his place at 1:15. We didn't know what we were in the mood for, so we walked down Farwell. We came upon Comet, a newly renovated coffee shop-turned bar/restaurant. Richard was telling me about how he hadn't been here since they reopened, so we tried it out. The decor was nice, 5 points for that. No smoking in the eatery, another 5. Everything on the menu=under $10, another 5 points. But perhaps the most impressive thing for us was the music they were playing. The played a wide variety ranging from Radiohead and REM to Rilo Kiley, The Clash, The Flaming Lips and The Beatles. And not a hint of Matchbox 20.

I hate Matchbox 20.

They were really advertising themselves as a place to get some very fresh, very delicious, very "like mom used to make" food. Well, my mom has never made me a grilled artichoke, provolone, spinach and tomato on a baguette sandwich, but she should start. That thing ruled! I had a side salad (with home made ranch dressing, of course) as well. Also ruled. Richard decided on the French Onion soup which he said "rocked so hard" and the Reuben. All he had to say about the Reuben was "Mmmmm. Hrrrrr. Muuhhrrrr." I shouldn't have asked him about his food while he was eating.

So check this place out. Comet (on Farwell) will rock your taste buds off (and perhaps your socks). Very good food, very good music and very good people who eat there and write about it on the internet.

http://www.onmilwaukee.com/dining/articles/newcomet.html

Do you have to pay to park?

I have 2 sections of 1st graders daily...1 group from 8:30 - 10am and the 2nd from 10:30 - noon. These kids are really fun and they love to learn. But some of the questions I get are so random I just don't know what to say. For example:

Ryan: Do you have to pay to park everywhere?

Mr. Dorn: What do you mean?

Ryan: You know, when you drive your car. Do you have to pay to park everywhere?

Mr. Dorn: Well some places you do and some you don't. At school the teachers and parents can park for free, but if you were in a very busy area in Milwaukee, you'd probably have to pay to park.

Ryan: Ok, I want to be a teacher then. I don't want to waste my money on parking.

So funny. It made me smile today. Also please note that Ryan has a speech impediment so all of his R's sound like W's, for example:

Ryan: Do you have to pay to pawk evewywhayuh?

Mr. Dorn: What do you mean?

Ryan: You know, when you dwive yo cah. Do you have to pay to pawk evewywhayuh?

Mr. Dorn: Well some places you do and some you don't. At school the teachers and parents can park for free, but if you were in a very busy area in Milwaukee, you'd probably have to pay to park somewhere.

Ryan: Ok, I want to be a teacho then. I don't want to waste my money on pawking.

As you can see, this way is much cuter. I wanted to make sure you had the full effect.

(And to clarify, I have not seen Batman yet nor will I ever see it if I keep being made fun of about it. And Star Wars Rules. So do Jack's Natural Rising Pizzas.

Summer School

Yes, that's the school I'm teaching at. My room is that one with the window.

So Summer is upon the world and I'm still in school. Not that I'm complaining, I have a great job teaching 1st graders how to read (which, as far as Richard Raney is concerned, is an easy task). My kids have been great and I love what I'm doing. Also I work from 8-12 every day, so that affords me time in the afternoon to lounge, rollerblade, jog (ha!), read and love the summer time.

I will soon be writing more to update everyone on my endeavours of the last 2 months, but as for now, I'm out. The Buick needs some fixin'.

Check out http://h-bombcritiques.blogspot.com for some intuitive critiques of theatre, books, music and movies. Hans has a nice blog open there. Also check out http://cigelske.blogspot.com if you want to be jealous of a great writer and world traveller.

A jealous epiphany

Each time I look at my friend Tim's blog, I become jealous. It just seems like he always has many more interesting things to write about (living and working in Montana, falling off a mountain, the move back to B.D., working at The Wisconsin Cheeseman and now he's in Grenada). Unbelievable guy. Definitely a G.G.T.K. (Good Guy To Know). The world is full of said good guys and if you look around, they're everywhere. From the guy who holds the door at the gas station to the roommate who drives your drunk butt home from Madison because you're incapacitated to your best friend who makes sure you have a great time whenever you visit him.

Check out Tim's blog at: http://cigelske.blogspot.com He has pictures and everything!

So it was the 100th day of school today. The 100th day of school has been celebrated for the past 8 years or so as a lot of math extensions, etc. The kindergarteners were going nuts. All they could talk about is how we've had 100 days of school so far. "Oh my gosh, Mr. Dorn! Can you believe it's the 100th day of school? I can count to 100...one, two, three, four..." Also every kid dressed up with clothing full of numbers counting by ones, fives, tens all to 100. These kids love their math. It's funny how much of my experiences in school I remember by being around kids all day. I remember in kindergarten loving the sandbox table and my grandpa picking me up from school. I remember good times and bad times. I distinctly remember science centers in first grade and the day we had to try bitter chocolate. I stayed in from recess just to try it and of course it tasted like crap. I was so excited (Ooooh! I get to stay in from recess to eat candy! Lucky me!) Little did I know that bitter chocolate was just that...bitter. And it was.

Now Andrew, Jill and I are trying to put some songs together for her gift for her boyfriend Tim. We have picked some good songs with some clunkers included(mostly me, goofing around).

Ben's ex-crush, the turkey star and the smartest girl you have ever seen

Ah, 5 year olds. They truly make me think of a time when innocense and ignorance met in blissful harmony. There really is nothing like working with kids all day. So many experiences that make me step back and realize that I am a lucky guy. I'm blessed. I must be teaching for a reason. I must be. It feels too good and right to have ever thought of anything else for a career path. It's the kind of job that's not a job, it's my life. Selling shoes and liquor - now those are jobs. The kind of jobs that I don't necessarily want to go and do. But teaching, it really is amazing.

And with teaching comes many fun stories from kids; fantastic quotes and general insights into the inner workings of 5 - 8 year olds. Take for example a kindergarten girl named Renee. I was assessing her math competency and asking her questions about 32 plastic bear counters (the size of a walnut). The assessment was divided into 5 parts; estimation, counting, counting on and back using counters and counting on and back without counters. She was having a rough time with the first 4 parts of the test and then the last part came up.

Mr. Dorn: "If I have 3 counters and I add one more, how many will I have?"
Renee: "4"

Mr. Dorn: "Good. If I have 6 counters and I add one more, how many will I have?"
Renee: "7"

Mr. Dorn: "Good, Renee. If I have 11 counters and I add one more, how many will I have?"

...and without missing a beat, Renee said, "18! Have you ever seen someone so smart?"

It was all I could do to keep from laughing. Here's this cute little 5 year old, so proud of the fact that she could add 1 more to 11 and come up with 18. She was grinning from ear to ear, delighted that she was doing so well. I couldn't break the news to her. So I kept going.

Mr. Dorn: "Ok. Now let's try taking away. If I have 5 counters and take one away, how many will I have?"
Renee: "4"

Mr. Dorn: "Good. If I have 9 counters and I take one away, how many will I have?"
Renee: "8"

Mr. Dorn: "All right. If I have 12 counters and I take one away, how many will I have?"
Renee: "21! I've been practicing my counting at home."

I kid you not. These are direct quotes. Before I began laughing, I told her she was free to go. I was not sure how to score the test, so I asked her classroom teacher and told her about Renee's answers. Her response was, "That's Renee!" And it's true. Renee is a character. There's always something happening in her life (or her mind) that is just her own little thing. What a kid. She also has a small stuffed bear named "Cream Pie Cherry Cutie Pie". Cherry is her middle name.

Maria is also in Renee's class. She's a bright kid. The kind of kid that, at 5 years old, knows that 6 + 6 = 12 because 5 + 7 =12, so one more to five means one less from 7. Believe it or not, that's incredibly advanced thinking (especially for a kindergartener). A few weeks ago Maria hands me a picture. If I had a scanner, I would show you this thing. It's a pretty decently drawn star (I remember how tough it was to draw stars, honestly), solid orange, drawn on a piece of white printer paper. In the middle of this 5 inch diameter star is a very well drawn brown turkey. I asked her what it was and her response was a confused look on her face followed by, "It's a turkey star" in that 'Oh my gosh I can't believe you don't know what this is' tone. Again, hard not to laugh. So I handed it back to her, complimenting her on her creation and she said, "Oh no, Mr. Dorn. It's for you!" And walked away. It currently resides on our fridge.

Ben is a cool kid. He's an 8 year old musician; piano, cello, violin. He loves classical music and especially Bach. Any time he can write a story in class, it's inevitably going to be about J.S. Bach. Very smart little guy and mature for 2nd grade. On Wednesday he was telling me about a girl who had a crush on him last year while I was passing out some mint-smelling penguin stickers. I walked by his desk...

Ben: "Are those smelly stickers?"
Mr. Dorn: "Yes they are, Ben."

Ben: "A girl who had a crush on me last year gave me one of those."
Mr. Dorn: "Oh, that's nice of her."

Ben: "Yeah, she also put a turkey sandwich in my locker."
Mr. Dorn: "Oh..."

I asked Ben if he knew the reasons or significance for the turkey sandwich, but he did not. Tragically, he and the girl did not work out. Ah, young love. And turkey and mayo on white.

Check out http://www.retrojunk.com for some really cool things from our childhood you probably haven't thought about in a while.

Adios.

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart

Merry Christmas to all of you out there. It is that time of year, Christmas time. A time for...forgiveness; a big old plate of turkey and sausage. It's also a time for the kids. I want you to listen to this.

So school has been going well. I can show you how well on this mathematical formula I came up with...

Two trains are travelling at 65 mph to Chicago. One from Pheonix, the other from Boston. Which...

Wait a minute. Wrong problem. But I'll take full credit for inventing that one too. I'm the infamous 'Two trains" problem guy. I also came up with the terms "widgets" and "gadgets". I'm a mathematical-problem-coming-up-with-guy and clearly a genius! I am actually teaching elementary school to get fresh ideas for my next wondrously amazing idea for a great story problem. What will I add or subtract now? Big Macs? Shoes? Beanie Babies? You just don't know. I'm that sneaky. I've delved into the adolescent psyche and found that kids like a few different things.

Yu-Gi-Oh! cards (the red-headed stepchild of Pokemon, which is on channel 18 after school every day) seem to be pretty popular, but not wholly universal. Then some kindergarteners gave me a good idea. They were playing with some toys at free choice time and were making "Transformers Energon" characters. I did some research at http://www.hasbro.com/transformers and found out that most of the characters that were in the original series/craze were gone. Of course Megatron of the Decepticons and Optimus Prime of the Autobots were still there, but I was sad to see the others gone. And sadly, still am.

I delved further and found out that kids love animals. It doesn't matter what kind, any kid will like any animal anywhere. I think that's how we could tame the savage beasts in the jungles of Scrippidydooville(sp?)...just send some 6 year olds in there. They would just hug them until they succumbed(sp?) to the little kids kyootness.

The next thing I found was that kids love Star Wars. Boy was I pumped to hear that! I mean, there are so many characters that I'm familiar with and have loved since I saw Return of the Jedi in '83. So I asked them who their favorite characters were and I received answers such as, Jar Jar Binks, Anakin Skywalker, Obi Wan Kenobi, R2-D2, C-3PO, Yoda and Queen/Senator Amidala. I said that they forgot a few...like Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader, Han Solo, Chewbacca, Lando Calrissian, etc. Most kids had no idea who these classic characters were so I tried to explain who they were and how they fit in the Star Wars galaxy. Out of the 7 kids I tried to explain this to, 3 had a very glassed over look in their eyes, 2 walked away almost before I began, 1 wanted to play Yu-gi-oh! with me and the other fell asleep. I guess that should tell me something.

The final thing I realized that kids are fond of is drawing on themselves with markers. This didn't help in my quest.

So I thought and thought and thought and thought and came up with some great ideas for math problems...

1) If there are 10 cute animals in the jungles of Scrippidydooville and Megatron eats 3 and crushes 3 others to death with his remote triple-change tank module, how many cute animals will be left?

2) R2-D2 and C-3PO are walking through a cave. They see fifteen Yu-Gi-Oh! cards on the ground. If C-3PO picks up 9, how many will R2-D2 be able to pick up before C-3PO uses a Flamookie card and makes his snarftoodler spin uncontrollably, causing C-3PO to win the duel and R2-D2 forfit his cards?

3) You're in the jungles of Scrippidydooville. Unfortunately, so is Shockblast. How many cute animals would Shockblast be able to blast with his particle beam cannon before Inferno could rescue you (in vehicle mode, of course) as a firetruck capable of heroic and often dangerous search and rescue missions. (You could use trees in place of cute animals)

So there you have it..let me know what you think. I'm beginning to write a book with new math problems so I'd love some input. It could change the face of math as we know it. Imagine the possibilities. (The descriptions of the Transformers and their actions were found on the aforementioned website... http:http://www.hasbro.com/transformers. Click on 'Energon' on the left and then 'Character Bios'. You'll definitely get a good laugh)

So, back to the math problem:

Let's say a + b = c. If a=recess and b=no snow pants, then c would clearly have to =Joe's total happiness.

Recess + No snow pants = Joe's total happiness

Merry Christmas!

I hate snow pants

I am now totally convinced that no teacher or parent was involved in the development of snow pants. Now don't get me wrong, snow pants are great. They are waterproof, (most of the time), warm and mostly indestructible. They are some tough pants. My main gripe with the snow pant developers is that they are not easy to put on...especially for a 5 year old kid.

Look at this girl here for example. I'll bet she gets pleasure out of watching teachers struggle to put her snow pants on every day.

I help kids get ready for recess every day. Just as when we were kids, they are not allowed to play with their buddies if they are not wearing the proper apparel. Kids don't have fun just watching their friends play, so their parents buy snow pants. Now, most companies should develop some snow pants that are much more functional. The straps that are on these things are just ridiculous. These are the kind of straps that are not connected to the clamps. Let me explain. The straps sort of weave into the clamps and I have never had a good idea of how to keep these from coming undone. I am nearing my 25th year on this planet and I still have no idea.

I have seen snow pants with full elastic straps. They are amazing! I love these snow pants. No clamps to weave through. No chance of the strap slipping out of the clamp. Virtually perfect.

My question is: Why can't all companies make snow pants like these? So simple. The answer is so simple. Columbia and Lands End and all the other snow pant producers need to hire some teachers and parents of young ones to produce the perfect snow pant. That is clearly the answer.

Now for a fantasy football update:

TJ and I have moved into the 5th place slot (out of 9 teams). We were in last place until about 4 weeks ago. We then began doing something we hadn't done in the past. Winning. And winning big. Love it.

So, we'll see how that goes. As for me, I'm out like a fat kid in dodgeball.